so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
