You don't have asthma, your pregnant
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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