I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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