nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
