You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize