I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
