Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i love accidental penises.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
