wanna go halves on a baby?
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
