i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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