i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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