ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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