I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Houston, we have a squirter
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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