What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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