he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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