My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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