I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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