Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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