Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
