WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
