I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Are we still banned from the library?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
