This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
