she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
