i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
