my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
