I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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