I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
NoShamevember. You game?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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