Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
