I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
why is half of my head shaved?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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