When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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