is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
