They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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