i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
