My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
