He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
my poor anus
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
