The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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