I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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