I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
