I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
