I want you more than these girls want KFC
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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