I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
