We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
