i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
