I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
