my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
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attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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