Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
