i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Randomize
