This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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