Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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