Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
