At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
