I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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