The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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