I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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