bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
